I´m
a 38 year old woman and I have Asperger´s. I´ve been diagnosed for only a feel
months now. And so far it hasn´t been as cool as the others seem to find it.
I´m
still in shock. I don´t know how to cope with this abysm that opened up from
underneath my feet. I don´t know where to step on to stop myself from falling.
The carpet has been pulled with no warning, accept my previous intuition that
secretly knew what was coming.
The
good part is that I don´t need to fake it anymore, who I am, how I am, what I
am. But what good does that do to me? If now I understand what took my health
and with it most of my hopes of ever living a “normal” life… Don´t get this
wrong, by normal I don´t mean, hubby, kids and friends.. Far from that. All I
want is peace and quiet, a day without physical pain all over my body, to be
able to move without crashing down, not burning up from the inside…
If
only I could leave my body behind and take a new one, a stronger one or at
least, if I could have any hope of ever undoing everything I have become. First
I thought medical treatment was supposed to fix that, that by narrowing down
the anxiety, the insomnia, the OCD, and all the crap that I´ve summed up to be,
the pain, the muscle stiffness, the
digestion issues, it would all be better, but it seems I daydreamed for
nothing.
So,
I´m sorry I can´t celebrate my condition. Forgive me if I can´t have this “Blue
Pride” that everyone´s talking about, but so far, all I know is that I’ve been
drifting for too long and there´s no sign of shore anywhere around.
Will
life ever throw me a bone? Can you spare a lifeboat? Is there anyone out there even
listening to me?
M.
I am listening to you... It's nice to see that there's a person in the world who thinks like me... I feel exactly like you about my body.. I am probably autistic, but i have not been diagnosed by a doctor.. So i still have to fake i am normal.. So a keep distance from everyone and stay home all day. As long as i am home i don't have to fake it.. It's really hard to talk to people... thanks for sharing... I hope you keep posting things in english.. I speak portuguese too, but it's a chance to practice english...
ResponderExcluirYou summarized so well what a life with Asperger's means to you. The daily struggle, the despair, the desire to swap your body or your brain with a more functional one. You definitely have a beautiful way with words.
ResponderExcluir"Can you spare a lifeboat?" You seem to have found yours: the magical world of words.
Thank You Livia.
Excluir