Where I stand (15/06/2016)

I´m a 38 year old woman and I have Asperger´s. I´ve been diagnosed for only a feel months now. And so far it hasn´t been as cool as the others seem to find it.

I´m still in shock. I don´t know how to cope with this abysm that opened up from underneath my feet. I don´t know where to step on to stop myself from falling. The carpet has been pulled with no warning, accept my previous intuition that secretly knew what was coming.

The good part is that I don´t need to fake it anymore, who I am, how I am, what I am. But what good does that do to me? If now I understand what took my health and with it most of my hopes of ever living a “normal” life… Don´t get this wrong, by normal I don´t mean, hubby, kids and friends.. Far from that. All I want is peace and quiet, a day without physical pain all over my body, to be able to move without crashing down, not burning up from the inside…

If only I could leave my body behind and take a new one, a stronger one or at least, if I could have any hope of ever undoing everything I have become. First I thought medical treatment was supposed to fix that, that by narrowing down the anxiety, the insomnia, the OCD, and all the crap that I´ve summed up to be, the pain, the  muscle stiffness, the digestion issues, it would all be better, but it seems I daydreamed for nothing.

So, I´m sorry I can´t celebrate my condition. Forgive me if I can´t have this “Blue Pride” that everyone´s talking about, but so far, all I know is that I’ve been drifting for too long and there´s no sign of shore anywhere around.

Will life ever throw me a bone? Can you spare a lifeboat? Is there anyone out there even listening to me?                

M.

Saudades dos meus pequenos...

27/07/2014

Eu, Pablito ...

Eu era miudinho quando caí do ninho, mas por sorte você ia passando pelo caminho. Nem sabia voar, quase não tinha penas, bicudinho apenas... 

Mamãe me resgatou e me levou pra sua casa, num saquinho de pão de queijo. 

No começo eu não comia, não bebia e sentia frio, mas ela me esquentou, me deu comida e água no bico. 

Também tinha a vovó, que ajudou a cuidar de mim. Então apareceu o tio Pablo, outro anjo, que sabia tudo e as instruiu sobre o que fazer. 

Eu fui crescendo, enchendo de penas e ganhando peso, aprendi a me alimentar sozinho e já não tinha mais frio como antes. E

m menos de um mês, comecei a ensaiar uns voos na varanda e então, mamãe entendeu que era hora de eu partir. 

Deveria voltar para minha própria casa, e conhecer outras rolinhas. 

Em breve serei adulto e terei minha própria família e quem sabe eu volto pra ver aqueles anjos que me ensinaram a ser eu... Pablito, a rolinha.